Breaking Free from the Guilt
I carry a big secret...I feel guilty about everything! If you know me, you'd probably tell me that it's not a big secret at all. But, I'm not sure people can grasp the the magnitude and the weight that this suck-fest has on me. I know that guilt isn't of God and it is a tool of the devil to keep me spinning my wheels. I have this knowledge but guilt has become a constant companion of mine and perhaps I'm afraid of letting it go because then, really, who am I?
I've tried to pinpoint where exactly guilt got a hold of me. I've heard the old saying about "Catholic guilt" or that by being Irish it's in my DNA to feel guilty but I reject these claims because it takes any accountability from me. I think that I tried to be everything that my parents wanted from a daughter and I know that I failed many, many times along the way.
As I grew up, I saw that I'd never be like my twin sister who was the ideal child. I say that with some animosity but mostly I say it because it's true. She was the quiet one in the family - she liked to play alone (or with friends) and she was the twin that all of the cousins and my older siblings wanted to "take care of". I was the other one. I preferred to play with people. I liked being social and with a group. I think I grew up to believe that this made me needy or insecure. I never thought I was insecure or that I had low self-esteem until I heard my parents tell their friends (on more than one occasion) that I was indeed saddled with low self-esteem...hmmm...it became one of those messages that have played on repeat in my head for many years. Along with the whispers of "unworthy", "big mouth", "unlovable", and "forgettable". Those darn tapes ought to be warped by now, right???
I often times see those moving posts of people writing letters to their 16 year old selves and I've tried many times to write one. But, instead of being honest, I feel like I have to protect people. Even in my private writings I skew things so as to protect my parents or my siblings or my first husband or whomever. And, as you may have guessed, writing in this blog will be a constant battle between my reality and my protective nature. I so want to just purge these feelings and this guilt and this anger and this sadness but I'm not able to because I feel an overwhelming duty to protect my loved ones.
I have so much to say and so much Iwant NEED to say for growth and healing. I realize that by purging myself of this guilt that I most definitely will open myself to so many good things. Therein lies the issue (one of many that I obviously have!) I've become so intertwined with my guilt that it's like a constant companion. I don't know where guilt ends and normal concern and empathy begin.
As I grew up, I saw that I'd never be like my twin sister who was the ideal child. I say that with some animosity but mostly I say it because it's true. She was the quiet one in the family - she liked to play alone (or with friends) and she was the twin that all of the cousins and my older siblings wanted to "take care of". I was the other one. I preferred to play with people. I liked being social and with a group. I think I grew up to believe that this made me needy or insecure. I never thought I was insecure or that I had low self-esteem until I heard my parents tell their friends (on more than one occasion) that I was indeed saddled with low self-esteem...hmmm...it became one of those messages that have played on repeat in my head for many years. Along with the whispers of "unworthy", "big mouth", "unlovable", and "forgettable". Those darn tapes ought to be warped by now, right???
I often times see those moving posts of people writing letters to their 16 year old selves and I've tried many times to write one. But, instead of being honest, I feel like I have to protect people. Even in my private writings I skew things so as to protect my parents or my siblings or my first husband or whomever. And, as you may have guessed, writing in this blog will be a constant battle between my reality and my protective nature. I so want to just purge these feelings and this guilt and this anger and this sadness but I'm not able to because I feel an overwhelming duty to protect my loved ones.
I have so much to say and so much I
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