Continuing On
I realize that the reader may be rolling their eyes as how could I not know that Steve would break up with me! Well, I guess I wasn't surprised but I was crushed that not only did he wait until the day after we signed the final adoption papers but HE broke up with ME! I thought that I had it all together - I was confident in sports, I was well loved at home (despite all of the emotional crap I convinced myself was true), and I had a really good group of friends. It sent me into an emotional spiral from which I'm still recovering.
I spent the next few months healing from the physical pains of childbirth while also trying to heal from the real, deep emotional pain from adoption. I'm the biggest cheerleader when it comes to adoption. I know that it is such a loving option for those facing an unplanned pregnancy. But, there are life-long emotions that come from it as well. I'd probably say that I didn't know my place in life after the adoption and the breakup. What was I? Who was I? I was a mother but I wasn't a mother...I was a college-aged kid but I wasn't in college...I went through a very adult experience but I sure didn't feel like an adult.
Thankfully, I had very supportive parents. My dad gave me a job in his office where I was able to pay off the small loan I took out to pay for my one lousy semester at Purdue and where I also managed to save a lot of money (since, really, I had no social life) My mom continued to encourage me to focus on the positives while redirecting my emotions towards helping others in my same situation. All I really wanted to do was to feel "normal". I didn't want to feel like used goods. I gave away my virginity and it resulted in a pregnancy, rejection, adoption, loneliness, and brokenness. I felt like I would never be whole again and society told me that, too. "Born again virgins" were laughed at and every man wanted to marry the girl next door. I would never be that again and so I swallowed my brokenness and pretended that no one would hurt me and that my life from then on would be MY business.
Let me add that my relationship with God hadn't changed in my eyes. I mean that I knew that God was loving and forgiving but that He could't possibly ever forget the mistakes that I made so I'd just have to drown Him out somehow. This ushers in my St. Francis College days. My twin was at SFC playing volleyball and softball on scholarship. I had visited a few times and loved her friends so I decided to enroll there and I also played volleyball and softball. I loved the sports aspect of it until I encountered coaches that were negative, mean, abusive, and who sucked the fun out of the very thing that used to give me confidence and kept me out of trouble. Sports became just what I did to help pay for college and not what I did because I loved it. When did that change? It was another sobering thing I encountered in my new adult-like life.
The summer before I went to SFC (this was about 8 months after the adoption) I had gotten to know and really like this guy. He was a scholarship basketball player and he was friends with my sister and her friends. He had a girlfriend, whom I knew and liked, but they had broken up a few months before so I thought it was safe to date him. We had a great time - he even came to visit me in IN which was nice. We came from similar families and we had a lot of the same likes and dislikes so it was easy. At one time, I visited him in OH and we had a great weekend until we ran into his ex-girlfriend. I was holding his hand when we came upon her and her group of friends at a street fair downtown. I didn't even think about the fact that she may be upset about the breakup and that I may appear to be the reason for the breakup (I wasn't by the way) When I saw her, I excitedly ran up to her and gave her a hug - not even thinking that she may be a little annoyed that I was holding hands with her ex. Honestly, I always thought she was nice and I was kind of happy to see her. She was very cold, understandably so. I walked away crushed that I had been so stupid to think she would be happy to see me. I shed a silent tear and my boyfriend (her ex) was very sweet and thought it was remarkable that I had genuinely been excited to see this girl. It was later that night that I had overheard girls in the bathroom saying that if they saw me, they were going to beat me up. This had never happened to me before - people generally liked me. I hid in the bathroom until they left and quickly found my group and asked if we could go somewhere else.
I share this because I feel like it was a turning point in my view of friendship. It shook me to think that someone could hate me so much just for holding the hand of someone they had dated. If girls were like that and if my track record with boys was not great, I really didn't know anything. Instead of drawing closer to the one or two people that I could trust and God, I just began not to let anyone see that anything bothered me. No sign of weakness in me anymore!
The relationship eventually ended as the OH couple had a one night stand and she became pregnant. I was brokenhearted but I was understanding because that's who I was now. I was the "chill" girl now. On the one hand, of course I was going to back out because they were going to have a child together. There would be nothing positive for me in this situation and as someone that was pregnant with no boyfriend support, I did not want to get in the way in their situation. But, it was a further blow to my heart.
School was pretty easy - the hardest part was balancing sports, partying, and classes but I did it and managed to get good grades. My heart healed from my recent rejection and I plowed on even though I was reminded on a daily basis that I was the forgotten one because the OH couple both lived in my same apartment complex and I got a front row seat to their growing relationship. The girl even came to our apartment to clear the air with me and let me know that he didn't break up with me because she was pregnant but because he was in love with her...got it. I can imagine how she must have felt so I understand her trying to establish an order of things but, my gosh, I was already WAY out of their relationship! I couldn't help the fact that there were only 1200 students at our school and that we were both athletes and ran in the same circle so we ran into each other quite a lot but, as I mentioned, I'm the "chill" girl now and nothing bothered me.
The year went on and I continued being the party girl - my poor twin sister! Having to call her for rides home as I would get ditched by my so-called friends at the bars was probably lots of fun for her. It didn't cause me to change my ways, it just made me realize that drinking really was my way out of things. I'd always find someone to help me forget. At the end of the year, I started dating a different basketball player - I don't think I was what one would call a ball chaser, I dated athletes because I liked to be around other athletes. I liked that we shared the grind of sports and academics and I felt comfortable talking sports so it was easy.
This was someone that I had gotten to know and we were friends. I wasn't really attracted to him until a big group of us went to the movies and he asked if he could sit next to me. Brian was pursuing me and it was nice. He was soft-spoken and kind so I finally let him take me out on a date. Now, looking back as a really old person, I can see the folly of dating in college. It's possible but it was probably not something I should have considered since I was a hot mess. Our dates consisted of parties and, of course, sex. I just didn't see the reason behind telling someone no - I was already "used goods" so it felt like there was no going back to saving sex for marriage. I made sure to surround myself with friends that felt the same way and if they made me feel guilty then I spent less time with them. Have I mentioned my poor twin...oh gosh. To have to sit by and watch this train wreck had to have been an unfortunate turn of events for her.
Brian and I continued dating through the last part of the school year and then throughout the summer. Being that he lived 5 hours away, only made me want to travel down there more and more. And, the fact that his parents allowed us to sleep in the same room gave me the impression that they were cool. What was wrong with my family that they were still old-fashioned? The problem was that we came from such different worlds. His family were not religious and they were very wealthy. It wasn't the wealth but the fact that they lived such a contrary life than what I knew. I felt like the welfare girl compared to his "$1000 shoes" sister. The visits there were always stressful for me as I knew I didn't fit in and, worse yet, they didn't think I fit in either.
One day that summer, I missed my period. COME ON! I'm not sure what I expected when I was having sex! How could I be surprised that the chances were rather high? I spoke to Brian and he seemed mad at me. Like maybe I did this on purpose? It seemed as though because I had been pregnant before that it was only logical that it must be something about me trapping guys by getting pregnant, or something along those lines. It was a brief scare and when I thought that things were back to normal, Brian broke up with me. While I thought that our getting through the pregnancy scare brought us closer, he felt the opposite. So, again, I was not worthy of the effort. The dread I felt still haunts me to this day.
I spent the next few months healing from the physical pains of childbirth while also trying to heal from the real, deep emotional pain from adoption. I'm the biggest cheerleader when it comes to adoption. I know that it is such a loving option for those facing an unplanned pregnancy. But, there are life-long emotions that come from it as well. I'd probably say that I didn't know my place in life after the adoption and the breakup. What was I? Who was I? I was a mother but I wasn't a mother...I was a college-aged kid but I wasn't in college...I went through a very adult experience but I sure didn't feel like an adult.
Thankfully, I had very supportive parents. My dad gave me a job in his office where I was able to pay off the small loan I took out to pay for my one lousy semester at Purdue and where I also managed to save a lot of money (since, really, I had no social life) My mom continued to encourage me to focus on the positives while redirecting my emotions towards helping others in my same situation. All I really wanted to do was to feel "normal". I didn't want to feel like used goods. I gave away my virginity and it resulted in a pregnancy, rejection, adoption, loneliness, and brokenness. I felt like I would never be whole again and society told me that, too. "Born again virgins" were laughed at and every man wanted to marry the girl next door. I would never be that again and so I swallowed my brokenness and pretended that no one would hurt me and that my life from then on would be MY business.
Let me add that my relationship with God hadn't changed in my eyes. I mean that I knew that God was loving and forgiving but that He could't possibly ever forget the mistakes that I made so I'd just have to drown Him out somehow. This ushers in my St. Francis College days. My twin was at SFC playing volleyball and softball on scholarship. I had visited a few times and loved her friends so I decided to enroll there and I also played volleyball and softball. I loved the sports aspect of it until I encountered coaches that were negative, mean, abusive, and who sucked the fun out of the very thing that used to give me confidence and kept me out of trouble. Sports became just what I did to help pay for college and not what I did because I loved it. When did that change? It was another sobering thing I encountered in my new adult-like life.
The summer before I went to SFC (this was about 8 months after the adoption) I had gotten to know and really like this guy. He was a scholarship basketball player and he was friends with my sister and her friends. He had a girlfriend, whom I knew and liked, but they had broken up a few months before so I thought it was safe to date him. We had a great time - he even came to visit me in IN which was nice. We came from similar families and we had a lot of the same likes and dislikes so it was easy. At one time, I visited him in OH and we had a great weekend until we ran into his ex-girlfriend. I was holding his hand when we came upon her and her group of friends at a street fair downtown. I didn't even think about the fact that she may be upset about the breakup and that I may appear to be the reason for the breakup (I wasn't by the way) When I saw her, I excitedly ran up to her and gave her a hug - not even thinking that she may be a little annoyed that I was holding hands with her ex. Honestly, I always thought she was nice and I was kind of happy to see her. She was very cold, understandably so. I walked away crushed that I had been so stupid to think she would be happy to see me. I shed a silent tear and my boyfriend (her ex) was very sweet and thought it was remarkable that I had genuinely been excited to see this girl. It was later that night that I had overheard girls in the bathroom saying that if they saw me, they were going to beat me up. This had never happened to me before - people generally liked me. I hid in the bathroom until they left and quickly found my group and asked if we could go somewhere else.
I share this because I feel like it was a turning point in my view of friendship. It shook me to think that someone could hate me so much just for holding the hand of someone they had dated. If girls were like that and if my track record with boys was not great, I really didn't know anything. Instead of drawing closer to the one or two people that I could trust and God, I just began not to let anyone see that anything bothered me. No sign of weakness in me anymore!
The relationship eventually ended as the OH couple had a one night stand and she became pregnant. I was brokenhearted but I was understanding because that's who I was now. I was the "chill" girl now. On the one hand, of course I was going to back out because they were going to have a child together. There would be nothing positive for me in this situation and as someone that was pregnant with no boyfriend support, I did not want to get in the way in their situation. But, it was a further blow to my heart.
School was pretty easy - the hardest part was balancing sports, partying, and classes but I did it and managed to get good grades. My heart healed from my recent rejection and I plowed on even though I was reminded on a daily basis that I was the forgotten one because the OH couple both lived in my same apartment complex and I got a front row seat to their growing relationship. The girl even came to our apartment to clear the air with me and let me know that he didn't break up with me because she was pregnant but because he was in love with her...got it. I can imagine how she must have felt so I understand her trying to establish an order of things but, my gosh, I was already WAY out of their relationship! I couldn't help the fact that there were only 1200 students at our school and that we were both athletes and ran in the same circle so we ran into each other quite a lot but, as I mentioned, I'm the "chill" girl now and nothing bothered me.
The year went on and I continued being the party girl - my poor twin sister! Having to call her for rides home as I would get ditched by my so-called friends at the bars was probably lots of fun for her. It didn't cause me to change my ways, it just made me realize that drinking really was my way out of things. I'd always find someone to help me forget. At the end of the year, I started dating a different basketball player - I don't think I was what one would call a ball chaser, I dated athletes because I liked to be around other athletes. I liked that we shared the grind of sports and academics and I felt comfortable talking sports so it was easy.
This was someone that I had gotten to know and we were friends. I wasn't really attracted to him until a big group of us went to the movies and he asked if he could sit next to me. Brian was pursuing me and it was nice. He was soft-spoken and kind so I finally let him take me out on a date. Now, looking back as a really old person, I can see the folly of dating in college. It's possible but it was probably not something I should have considered since I was a hot mess. Our dates consisted of parties and, of course, sex. I just didn't see the reason behind telling someone no - I was already "used goods" so it felt like there was no going back to saving sex for marriage. I made sure to surround myself with friends that felt the same way and if they made me feel guilty then I spent less time with them. Have I mentioned my poor twin...oh gosh. To have to sit by and watch this train wreck had to have been an unfortunate turn of events for her.
Brian and I continued dating through the last part of the school year and then throughout the summer. Being that he lived 5 hours away, only made me want to travel down there more and more. And, the fact that his parents allowed us to sleep in the same room gave me the impression that they were cool. What was wrong with my family that they were still old-fashioned? The problem was that we came from such different worlds. His family were not religious and they were very wealthy. It wasn't the wealth but the fact that they lived such a contrary life than what I knew. I felt like the welfare girl compared to his "$1000 shoes" sister. The visits there were always stressful for me as I knew I didn't fit in and, worse yet, they didn't think I fit in either.
One day that summer, I missed my period. COME ON! I'm not sure what I expected when I was having sex! How could I be surprised that the chances were rather high? I spoke to Brian and he seemed mad at me. Like maybe I did this on purpose? It seemed as though because I had been pregnant before that it was only logical that it must be something about me trapping guys by getting pregnant, or something along those lines. It was a brief scare and when I thought that things were back to normal, Brian broke up with me. While I thought that our getting through the pregnancy scare brought us closer, he felt the opposite. So, again, I was not worthy of the effort. The dread I felt still haunts me to this day.
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