Broken
It seemed logical that the best way to become lovable was to have the boys love me. In high school, I liked boys but I was fulfilled being an athlete and being a third-wheel. Honestly, it didn't bother me for a second being the third wheel. I liked my girl friends and I liked their boyfriends - we were all friends so I just tagged along. Don't get me wrong, I didn't go on their Saturday night dates to dinner and the movies but I did continually hang out with our group of friends as one of the only singles in a lot of couples. My twin had the same boyfriend from freshman year until after we graduated from high school so, again, we were in vastly different places in our lives. I didn't have a boyfriend until roughly the middle of my senior year. He was a good athlete, too and was committed to his sports so it was a good balance.
Having the boyfriend was nice but I then became aware of the down side of having a boyfriend. I realized that someone else suddenly was a big consideration on whether I was happy or not. That any kind of drama, good or bad, was not only my own. My first boyfriend came from a nice family and he treated me pretty well. I cannot think of any situation in which he was unkind but he was apathetic, I guess. He only did the minimum of what it took to be a boyfriend. Know this, I'm as low maintenance as they come - I don't demand expensive dates, expensive gifts, constant lovey-dovey words, or other things. But, some attention and a little extra kindness than what you might reserve for your guy friends would have been nice.
I remember vividly when we went on our Senior retreat and he refused to come near me as he was there with his "guy friends" and thought I'd be clingy...huh? I was there to pray and to spend some quality time with my friends before we graduated. And, not to mention, all of my other friends were there with their boyfriends who didn't treat their girlfriends like they were in the way. As a matter of fact, THOSE boys were much kinder to me than my own boyfriend was. It was humbling and embarrassing and devastating. It only played in to that damn tape "unlovable" "unlovable" "unlovable"...
We continued to date after graduation and the few weeks before I left for Purdue, we broke up. I had met someone else that summer and my first boyfriend was in the way. I'm not proud of the fact that I met someone else before I broke up with boyfriend. I have no excuse and it certainly became a pivotal moment in my life.
Having the boyfriend was nice but I then became aware of the down side of having a boyfriend. I realized that someone else suddenly was a big consideration on whether I was happy or not. That any kind of drama, good or bad, was not only my own. My first boyfriend came from a nice family and he treated me pretty well. I cannot think of any situation in which he was unkind but he was apathetic, I guess. He only did the minimum of what it took to be a boyfriend. Know this, I'm as low maintenance as they come - I don't demand expensive dates, expensive gifts, constant lovey-dovey words, or other things. But, some attention and a little extra kindness than what you might reserve for your guy friends would have been nice.
I remember vividly when we went on our Senior retreat and he refused to come near me as he was there with his "guy friends" and thought I'd be clingy...huh? I was there to pray and to spend some quality time with my friends before we graduated. And, not to mention, all of my other friends were there with their boyfriends who didn't treat their girlfriends like they were in the way. As a matter of fact, THOSE boys were much kinder to me than my own boyfriend was. It was humbling and embarrassing and devastating. It only played in to that damn tape "unlovable" "unlovable" "unlovable"...
We continued to date after graduation and the few weeks before I left for Purdue, we broke up. I had met someone else that summer and my first boyfriend was in the way. I'm not proud of the fact that I met someone else before I broke up with boyfriend. I have no excuse and it certainly became a pivotal moment in my life.
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